Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
There are times when you are so spiritual and ethereal you put the rest of us to shame. But mostly you're just a money-grabbing, sex-obsessed arsehole.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If the symptoms persist, see your GP. Yeah, good luck with that.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Sitting there on your balcony, eating roast dog, you're still glad you moved into that swanky new dockside development turned metaphor for the thinly disguised barbarism of the human race.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Discussions at work involve more hoopla and fine words than actual delivery. Which means, yes, it is okay for you to just keep spewing out your usual bullshit.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Events this week will prove you have been right all along. Twat.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Go outside. See the trees? See the sky? Walk until you drop. Don't go home. There's nothing there for you any more.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your crippling self-doubt and neurotic fear of rejection will finally pass this week and be replaced by pathological paranoia and self-loathing. Make the most of it.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
What you now set in motion reverberates loudly for a month. For the love of Christ, will you please see a doctor?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Be prepared to repeat yourself until the message gets through: You were in the pub with your brother all evening and are allergic to baboons anyway.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your inability to make a reasoned decision and then stick to it may make you opt for a reckless course of action you later regret, or it may not.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The weight of other people's expectations hangs heavy, so why not just give up now before you fail with what will almost certainly be a sickening degree of inevitablity?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Chance meetings, health issues, changes at work, new horizons, conflict with loved ones, blah blah fucking blah.